“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
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If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Tough love is true love
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here