do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
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Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud