@murrman5

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

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@tastefactory

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

@jilltwiss

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

@Lisa_Laughs_

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

@Jandalize

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

@SoulYodeler

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

@mrtruthandsoul

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

@chimneyspotter

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

@sad_tree

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*