*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
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Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
GOD: They need air to live
G: And food
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*