Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

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“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”


A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.


If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene


On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?


Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”


[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity


Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.


People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”


He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”