“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
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My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car