“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
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bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
This fish is cracking me up
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock