@robdelaney

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

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@simoncholland

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

@ShirtPantsJones

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

@PS_IRuddYou

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

@ehdannyboy

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

@lisaxy424

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

@JohnKapetaneas

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

@MarfSalvador

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

@WilliamAder

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

@ICantEven001

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

@timdonakowski

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.