Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
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The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
just left a huge legacy in there
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy