Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

We will use anything but the metric system

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

podcasts

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

I…do not understand how electricity works.

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.