@Not_From_Troy

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

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If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

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Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

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I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

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Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

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When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

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@badbanana

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@PoodleSnarf

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

@QwertyJones3

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.