– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?


– Do you want some?

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Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …


I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.


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When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.


I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.


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If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.