– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
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Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?