Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
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Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
dream blunt rotation
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Super Hand Dog Face
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Merry Christmas
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult