Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
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I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Why do meteors always land in craters?