Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
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me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
He a real one for that
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”