Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
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an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach