Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
You Might Also Like
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Oh no
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie