Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

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in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,


Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date


I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane


*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!


I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume


“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”


“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”


Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”


Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”