“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
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I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more