Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
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[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭