Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
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The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Auto correct is my worst enema.