Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
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Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.