Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
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I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.