Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
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The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I think we should hear other voices.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Oh thanks BBC.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
#winning
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.