“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
You Might Also Like
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.