“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
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This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Nice try Hitler
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.