Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
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The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.