“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
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Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Pizza is an emotion right?
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
How times have changed.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.