“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
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Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
This makes total sense…
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct