“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
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As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
i did the math
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK