“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
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My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.