do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
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I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages