“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

You Might Also Like


*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.


You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.


Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.


Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen



My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.


I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.


I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.


Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]


4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)


Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough