“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
You Might Also Like
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.