*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
You Might Also Like
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat
[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
(Spelling is hard)
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough