“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
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told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I’M CRYINGGG
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I hate my earbuds.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”