Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
You Might Also Like
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam