Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
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(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.