“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
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Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Wait a minute…
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in