@seamusmckracken

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

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@abbycohenwl

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

@BobTheSuit

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

@Mr_goose007

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

@ericsshadow

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

@kidversations_

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

@thegoodgodabove

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.

@Tmoney68

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

@goodvibeschic

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

@gitson_shiggles

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary