Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
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The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Going to church you guys need anything
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?