Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
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Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Here’s a meme
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Meow
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}