Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
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I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
man: wait
time: no
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.