Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
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[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Peter Parker Peter Driver
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?