Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
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2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*