Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
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My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.