Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
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Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
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Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.