Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
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The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?