Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
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my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers