Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
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“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”