Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I made promises on Friday
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.