Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
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Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.