Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
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99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary