Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
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colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
My flabber has been gasted.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.