Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
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Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Peace was never an option
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.