Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
This checks out
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer