Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
You Might Also Like
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
lmao
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all