Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
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[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
me: IN AZKABAN
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*
Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
“So you met the victim on tinder”
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
me: you’re late
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month
Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip