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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct